How to Legally Force Your Employer to Let You Be a Superhuman With These INSANE Loopholes
The Underground Guide to Making HR Your Personal Health Optimization Department
What’s up superhumans?
Are you sitting in a Fortune 500 office under 6000K LED panels that suppress your melatonin by 80%+? Has your testosterone has dropped 47% since you started this job? Your cortisol through the roof? DHT in the gutter? Insulin and leptin high, complete with stubborn lower belly fat and love handles that might as well be permanent?
All while your CEO just spent $24,000 on a weekend at some Swiss “longevity clinic” to undo the damage his own company’s environment causes?
Do you believe you’re supposed to just accept cellular death by fluorescent light?
You’re not.
There’s a federal law sitting on the books that forces your employer to accommodate your mitochondrial health. For free. With legal protection that makes you harder to fire than a pregnant woman.
HR doesn’t want you to know this exists. Your boss prays you never find out. And thousands biohackers are already using it to turn their cubicles into healing chambers.
Welcome to the ADA Office Biohacking Protocol – the most comprehensive workplace optimization strategy on the planet.
Here’s What They Don’t Tell You About “Reasonable Accommodations”
The Americans with Disabilities Act isn’t just for wheelchairs and service dogs. Every HR department who gets their “sensitivity training” from the Deep Soy establishment wants you to believe you have two options:
Accept your slow death by nnEMF and blue light toxicity
Quit your job and become a “digital nomad” (aka unemployed)
Wrong.
Let me show you exactly what Fortune 500 companies accidentally agreed to when they signed those diversity pledges...
What Actually Happens When You Deploy This Protocol
Forget the corporate wellness programs. Here’s what actually happens when you get a based functional medicine doctor to write you an accommodation letter:
Your employer becomes legally obligated to provide modifications that support your “medical condition” – which in this case is optimizing your cellular voltage and maintaining proper circadian biology.
This is actual federal law that supersedes your employee handbook.
The Benefits They’re Legally Required to Provide
Blue Light Neutralization (no more melatonin assassination)
Your IT department has to allow you install IRIS on your computer. Period. The software that normally gets you flagged as a “security risk” becomes mandatory medical equipment.
Healthy Lighting (infrared healing at your desk)
They have to let you install an IR bulb and Sky Portal at your workstation so you can fuel your mitochondria with red/IR and regulate your circadian rhythm while improving mood and focus with OPN friendly light wavelenths. The yellow tinted blue light blockers? No one can give you a hard time for wearing them. That cheap lizard bulb that increases ATP production by 40%? Now it’s company-approved medical equipment. Pair it with a desk lamp like this, or something portable and minimalist like this.
There’s also the new sky portal red, which you can dial to red and IR or pure IR (invisible) so you can keep fueling your mitochondria and promoting regeneration without the red tint that could disturb you or others.
You can use BOWTIED for 10% at chroma if interested.
IMPORTANT: YOU CAN PURCHASE CHROMA PRODUCTS WITH THE HSA/FSA YOUR EMPLOYER PROVIDES
Optimization Breaks (Doctor mandated sun exposure)
Need to hit the sun for POMC activation? That’s now a medical accommodation. Want to ground barefoot or get some steps for 20 minutes after lunch? Protected activity.
Right to Reboot (escape the microwave)
Those “emergency calls only” EMF deadzones you’ve been eyeing? You can now take medical leave to reset your cellular voltage and unfry your dopamine receptors without arguing about PTO or time off policies.
Social Event Immunity (skip the slop)
Mandatory happy hours with seed oil appetizers and IPAs? You now have a medical excuse. Your coworkers can have fun destroy their gut lining while you thrive.
Light Therapy Time (Chroma device usage)
Your portable light devices aren’t a “personal item” anymore -they’re photobiomodulation therapy (medical devices). Need some time during the day to get some UVA, UVB, Violet, Cyan, Red, and Infrared? Your doctor can make that happen. Bring a Lux Vital (UVA/Violet/Cyan/Red/IR), D Light (UVB, Red, IR) or both. [BOWTIED for 10% off if interested]
The Underground Corporate Experiment (Don’t Try This at Home... Or Do)
We’ve guided many superhumans through this protocol. Here’s what will typically happen:
The Good:
Energy levels shot from dragging at 2 PM to sharp until 6 PM
The existential pain of 9-5 life? Tolerable
Deep sleep increased
Morning cortisol normalized
Testosterone and DHT Increased
Effortlessly leaner
Actually WANT to go to the office now (office became healing chamber)
Zero sick days after implementation (previously averaging 8/year)
The Savage:
HR had a complete meltdown for 3 weeks
Coworkers started asking questions
IT department tried to claim “security risks” (they lost)
Boss attempts to move you to a different floor (illegal retaliation)
Other employees started requesting the same accommodations (started a revolution)
Efficiency, mood, productivity, and profits are up. Culture is LIT.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
The Protocol That Actually Works
Forget the bro-science. Here’s what I learned through blood work and legal battles:
Step 1: Find Your Based Doctor
You need a functional medicine doctor who understands circadian biology. They exist. Search for practitioners who mention “circadian rhythm” or “mitochondrial optimization.”